So no one that I really talk to on a regular basis knows I started this blog. I guess I didn't really start it for my friends and family to read. As I stated in the description, I started it so that I could do all of those words which start with R (just a little literary fun on my part there) I expect there will be much rambling, and ranting.
I started another blog a year or so ago, because I was required to do so for a class at school. The professor never followed through on making us keep up with it, so many of us didn't. I certainly didnt. And then I thought hey why not? Chronicle all the things that are going on in this apartment that I love so much.
The problem of course, is that nothing stays awesome for long. Before I knew it, life in "Animal House" became tense and unwelcoming. Maybe unwelcoming is the wrong word. This apartment is half mine and half the stuff in it is mine and I'm comfortable here. I could be here in the most inebriated fashion imaginable and still be comfortable, but thats just because I know its mine. It doesn't really feel like mine anymore. Nothing really does.
I'm not even sure when things started to fall apart, or when I started to feel differently. I think my problem is that I wait too long to deal with things, particularly when they're wrong and have the ability to hurt me. So I put off dealing with them until I can't possibly ignore them anymore, and then I deal with them in a....concrete sort of fashion. I take it and I take it and I take it, and then one day I decide I'm not going to take it anymore, and I'm numb and cold. This is not the first time I've reacted this way in a relationship, and even though I've done this before I still didn't see it coming this time. If I had attempted to not be "nice" and less abrasive earlier on, perhaps I could have influenced that factors in my life which got me to my boiling point to do things differently before I decided I'd had enough. Now I'm in that cold and numb mode, and I have to make a conscious effort TO be nice, to try to feel. Except that now I've put myself in this frame of mind I'm not sure I can.
I feel like I need to worry about myself, my animals. Get my life together and live it as my own person and not as a part of a unit, always thinking about someone else. So far that hasn't gotten me anywhere. Every person I've put my trust in, let get close to me and think we can have a life together, has always come up short of the order. I mean, don't get me wrong, thinking about spending the rest of your life with me is a tall order, I'm no picnic and I know that. But I always end up with less than I started with. Sure, things end, people disappoint. Except how can one help but be bitter when one goes through such an ordeal once, then again, and apparently hasn't learned her lesson or learned how to not make the same mistakes? Maybe I've just been trying to hard to be happy? I fool myself into thinking something is great and peachy keen and complementary when in reality, its me doing the heavier load of the work on all levels and being taken advantage of? How can a person go from being blissfully content to insane and solitary in such a short time?
For a week or two, I spent as much time as I could away from what I felt was the problem, and out with my friends, the people who I feel helped shape me into the person that I am. The issue there of course was, I still eventually had to come home. I still have to deal with the issues at hand, and even though I feel less angry because I've been spending time away from here, and because some issues seem to have been noticed, I still feel the same way. There has been an inkling of understanding, a little bit of acceptance of the things done wrong, but my feelings still haven't changed. I still feel cold. I'm still disgusted at every turn, and want to get away. What does that say about me? What is it that I need to change within myself to make my life more manageable? Why is it that when things fall apart they have to fall apart all the way, irreparably? Maybe the issues I have with my situation can be worked on, but it will take work from both parties sure. Is it that i feel I've been the only one working for this for so long, that I don't want to be bothered with it anymore? That I'm so hurt by being taken advantage of and being the only one who cares, that the pain just burnt away all my feelings?
I feel like this time, its going to take years for me to ever trust a person again. I have no interest in meeting new people to fill the void, thats for sure. The people I know and associate with now have stuck with me this long for a reason, and I need to be able to lean on them now. New people are too much work, and I'm in no fit state to be.....nice. To want to "get to know people better" and give them a chance to not be a psycho or a tool or just plain annoying to the point of wanting to punch them in the face. I need serious alone time. I might even grow up to be that crazy single lady with a ton of pets and a six foot stockade fence keeping all the neighbors out of my business. Not that I have a hope of living on my own anytime soon, my credit is shot and I'll be paying for the last six years of mistakes and being the one shouldering the burdens for what I expect will be another six or seven years at least. And even though I know I did it for someone else, I was trying to make things work at the time so that "our life" could work, I only screwed up my own life in the process.
It really is unfortunate when you learn more than once that the only person you can depend on is yourself. But once one is able to take care of oneself, what then? What's the point of me getting my life together if I know I'm going to have to spend it alone because of the bad decisions I make when it comes to opening up to people? Its a perpetual cycle! Love, cry, heal, fix life, love, cry....When does the cry part get phased out of the routine? Does it even matter? Why am I worrying about it now anyway when I won't even get the chance to get to the healing part for another four months?
How am I supposed to survive the next four months without going insane? How can I start the healing process when nothing I do is right?! I can't disappear, I can't start over, and I can't fix anything, because I can barely feel anything. I have no where to turn to, everyone that I should be able to depend on has issues of their own which are just as bad as mine, and I'm lost. Anything that I do I do out of desperation anymore. I'm going to clean this apartment from top to bottom, in a desperate attempt to make it feel like home. I'm going to work seventy hours a week, in a desperate attempt to keep my head above water financially. I'm going to journal relentlessly on an Internet blog, in a desperate attempt to work out my feelings without having to force the people around me to have to deal with me.
"People are strange, when you're a stranger. Faces look ugly, when you're alone. Women seem wicked, when you're unwanted. Streets are uneven, when you're down. " - The Doors
